Scout's New Home

Allie and I first brought Scout to our house one month ago as of Friday.  When I first touched her face, I knew she was special.  When she first jumped into the car, I knew she was brave.  When she first entered our house - with much coercion and many treats - I knew she was willing to trust.  When she first rolled on her back on the bed, I knew that she felt safe.  When she first nuzzled one of our cats, I knew she understood.  When she first sat when I asked, I knew she would do anything for me.  When she first looked at me and laughed, I knew that she knew, that I was hooked.

Scout's new home is here.  With us.  Forever.  Welcome home, Scout.  Happy One Monthaversary.  Here's to many, many more...

Sam and Scout

Sam has been physically gone from us for almost one year.  I can't believe it.  He passed away last year on December 22nd.  So what does Sam have to do with finding Scout this week?  Well, I'll tell you...

I have felt that our second dog would arrive before the one year anniversary of Sam's departure.  I started "looking" at dogs in April of this year.  Several of the dogs that I was interested in were snapped up before we even got to "apply" for them.  There were a couple of strange coincidences in timing that prevented us from meeting dogs or made the timing wrong to adopt because of travel plans or such.  We even met a couple of dogs - very nice dogs - but not "our" dog.  I also had a strong feeling that I would "find" our next dog - not "Petfind" our next dog, but FIND him or her.  Since April I had been drawn to shepard mix type dogs - dogs with masks and black and tan markings.  Why?  I like more herding types, Border Collie and Aussie mixes - don't I?  The dogs we met were males and Allie was fine with them, though not her usual goofy, play-at-all-costs self, hmmm....  I wasn't sure we were going to get a male, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

So, what happened on Monday and Tuesday this week was likely orchestrated by the Wise Old Man himself.  When Allie was whimpering and sniffing the vent, I now can hear her thinking, "Which Exit did Sam say it was?  I can't miss it, I have to pay attention.  Sam said that I would smell her when we get close.  I better keep checking the vent - and Sam said to whimper so Mom will think I need a walk..."

I kept checking Petfinder to "find" the dog that Sam was sending us.  It was difficult for me to just trust that he would send us the dog - I had to do something, didn't I?  I had to work, I had to struggle, debate, decide, agonize, didn't I?  Maybe not...  Maybe I just had to go on living and showing up.

What else can I just trust in and not struggle for?  Thanks, Sam, I'll give that some thought.  No matter if Scout stays with us or we find her a perfect home.  Thanks for the lesson, Old Man.  You're never far away.

Happy New Year

Yesterday Allie and I went on a hike in the woods for almost 2 hours.  It has been a long time since I've hiked with a dog.  I think it's been about 3 years.  There's something special about hiking with a dog without trails, without a direction, and without leashes.  We were looking for whatever wanted to be found, going where we felt drawn to go and unaware of time.  That's a pretty good way to start the New Year, to me.  Sam and Abby and Sara and I had explored these woods many times, though we hadn't often gone this far.  Allie and I had hiked the woods a few times already on this trip though these were our first hikes together in these woods.  We went our own ways much of the time, came back together when one of us felt the need and generally explored our surroundings.  Again, a pretty good start to the year.  We found an animal's den, lots of gorgeous old stone walls, an owl pellet, probable bobcat droppings, and saw a pretty big owl swoop down from a tree and fly off deeper into the woods - and those are just a few highlights...

I began my 41st and Sam's 17th birthdays with Allie in a way that Sam totally approved of.  I just started to write "I'm hoping..." and I caught myself.  I recently read somewhere that hope implies doubt.  That really resonated with me.  I'm not going to hope something, I'm going to do it, think it, allow it, or cause it to happen.  This year I'm going to keep "living like Sam" with Allie's help and Sam's lessons...  It's going to be a great year.

An Abbreviated List...

...of Gifts from Sam.

1.  Mariah and Sam (a Golden Retriever) - my first friends in Cleveland
2.  My wonderful work with dogs
3.  Lessons on loving and letting go
4.  Awareness of living in the present moment and lots of practice in it
5.  Lots of forgiveness when I accidentally cut his nails too short... on several occasions (sorry, Bud...)
6.  Many of my other friends in Cleveland
7.  My house (his unfortunate adventures in 2000 caused me to reconsider living in my apartment in the "country" if he and Abby couldn't be off leash, so I started looking for a house to buy)
8.  His deep understanding and acceptance of my quirks, occasional temper tantrums, and foibles 
9.  The beauty of allowing - things to happen and evolve, forgiveness of myself, his inevitable passing....
10.  His example of servant leadership
11.  A chance to appreciate his patience, grace, and sometimes his frustration with respect to his advancing age and changing abilities
12.  The honor of knowing his Wise Self and apprenticing to him for an wonderfully long time

To list all the gifts Sam gave me might take 17 more years so I'll leave off here...  He taught me about me, him, relationship, allowing, leading, and other beings and in hindsight, much more than I learned in 5 years of college.  Cheers to the University of Dog and my graduation from the College of Sam...

Ceremony

We did a fire ceremony as a celebration for Sam this evening at dusk.  I felt Sam with us as we gathered around a small bonfire.  Sam had been part of bonfires in the past, so it was no surprise to feel his presence.  We shared our memories and teachings from Sam and how we wanted to carry some of those gifts from Sam into this New Year...

Here is a picture of Sam from the woods at my parents' house  - one of my favorites...  He is loved and missed and with us always...

A Reminder...

I started this post with a title and a quote on May 16, 2011 when Sam said to me, "I'm not a problem to be solved, I'm a dog to be loved."  That really hit home when it happened and I've thought about it often in the intervening months.  As we began to care for Sam's physical needs more and more, his declaration had even more meaning.  I was reminded to spend time with Sam instead of always planning or thinking about him.  I'm not sure that I'm content with my balancing act of caring for and being with, though I guess it's water under the bridge now.  I do know that he got a lot of kisses and hugs, and "I love yous", and some trips to the barn, and "I missed you today, Buds", and lots of extra pizza bones and treats.

Sam was rarely a very snuggly dog, he loved us thoroughly and knew himself well enough to honor his need for space and so did we.  I often watched him sleeping or resting and enjoyed his peace and mine.  Sometimes it was hard not to lie with him and hug and snuggle him, especially this last year.  He would often tolerate us for a while according to his good nature and in-born manners and sometimes he would move away a bit or turn his head.  As if to say, "No hard feelings, I just need a little space, Mom."  No worries, Sam, I understand you're a dog to be loved and love doesn't have to mean physical contact or close proximity.  You are still a dog to be loved, we're just a little farther apart than we were last week...

Our Last Drive Home

I realized the other day that when I say that I'm driving to New York to visit my family, I say that I am driving home.  When I drive the return trip to Ohio, I also say that I am driving home.  One week and one day ago, Sampson, Allie, 4 cats and I drove home to New York together.  I had a great time on the drive, mostly blue skies, pretty clear roads, and the best travel companions I could hope for.  Around 4:15pm, probably somewhere east of Buffalo, New York, I saw the beginning of a rainbow - faint and still definitely a rainbow.  Then I noticed - WOW - a second rainbow segment also starting from the ground and just "outside" of the first rainbow.  I have rarely seen rainbows starting from the ground and even more rarely double rainbows - WOW!  A few minutes later, I noticed the OTHER side of the rainbow to my left starting at the ground - also double.  WOW!  I was driving into the rainbow even though I could only see the ends.  The rainbow began to get brighter and brighter and impossibly brighter - it was by far the brightest rainbow with the most intense colors that I had ever seen.  All of a sudden I looked up and I could see the ENTIRE rainbow arching above me.  One side on my left and one side on my right arcing over us and the NYS Thruway.  I was able to drive and watch the rainbows for about 30 minutes, I think, before they slowly faded away.  I took a few pictures with my cell phone (I know, not the best idea, but I was VERY careful).  I was stunned and amazed and thrilled with this event.  I was wondering if other people were noticing - how could they NOT notice??

Also on our drive home, we shared french fries from McDonalds (apologies to all my slow and gourmet foodie friends :) - a road trip tradition with me and the dogs.  It started with Sam and Sara and has continued to include Abby and now Allie, too.  Sam had two big french fries when I usually only give him one small piece.  He happily gobbled them down.  Maybe somehow we knew it was the last time?  At our rest stop Sam and Allie made a few friends when we parked near a couple with an older yellow Lab named Alex...  We had so much fun on that drive.  I couldn't have asked for a better "last drive home" with Sam.

I have made that drive with Sam since he was a puppy and we moved to Ohio - yes, I moved to Ohio one month after I adopted Sam, close to 17 years ago.  Another big event in my life.  All those times I have made that drive with him - and I've never done it without him. 

So, early next week we'll "drive home" again.  For the first time, without Sam, though I will still have the rainbows that he left me with....and french fries...  It's good to have a few different "homes" - I hope Sam is enjoying one of his right now.

Love ya', Bud...