Ceremony

We did a fire ceremony as a celebration for Sam this evening at dusk.  I felt Sam with us as we gathered around a small bonfire.  Sam had been part of bonfires in the past, so it was no surprise to feel his presence.  We shared our memories and teachings from Sam and how we wanted to carry some of those gifts from Sam into this New Year...

Here is a picture of Sam from the woods at my parents' house  - one of my favorites...  He is loved and missed and with us always...

A Reminder...

I started this post with a title and a quote on May 16, 2011 when Sam said to me, "I'm not a problem to be solved, I'm a dog to be loved."  That really hit home when it happened and I've thought about it often in the intervening months.  As we began to care for Sam's physical needs more and more, his declaration had even more meaning.  I was reminded to spend time with Sam instead of always planning or thinking about him.  I'm not sure that I'm content with my balancing act of caring for and being with, though I guess it's water under the bridge now.  I do know that he got a lot of kisses and hugs, and "I love yous", and some trips to the barn, and "I missed you today, Buds", and lots of extra pizza bones and treats.

Sam was rarely a very snuggly dog, he loved us thoroughly and knew himself well enough to honor his need for space and so did we.  I often watched him sleeping or resting and enjoyed his peace and mine.  Sometimes it was hard not to lie with him and hug and snuggle him, especially this last year.  He would often tolerate us for a while according to his good nature and in-born manners and sometimes he would move away a bit or turn his head.  As if to say, "No hard feelings, I just need a little space, Mom."  No worries, Sam, I understand you're a dog to be loved and love doesn't have to mean physical contact or close proximity.  You are still a dog to be loved, we're just a little farther apart than we were last week...

Our Last Drive Home

I realized the other day that when I say that I'm driving to New York to visit my family, I say that I am driving home.  When I drive the return trip to Ohio, I also say that I am driving home.  One week and one day ago, Sampson, Allie, 4 cats and I drove home to New York together.  I had a great time on the drive, mostly blue skies, pretty clear roads, and the best travel companions I could hope for.  Around 4:15pm, probably somewhere east of Buffalo, New York, I saw the beginning of a rainbow - faint and still definitely a rainbow.  Then I noticed - WOW - a second rainbow segment also starting from the ground and just "outside" of the first rainbow.  I have rarely seen rainbows starting from the ground and even more rarely double rainbows - WOW!  A few minutes later, I noticed the OTHER side of the rainbow to my left starting at the ground - also double.  WOW!  I was driving into the rainbow even though I could only see the ends.  The rainbow began to get brighter and brighter and impossibly brighter - it was by far the brightest rainbow with the most intense colors that I had ever seen.  All of a sudden I looked up and I could see the ENTIRE rainbow arching above me.  One side on my left and one side on my right arcing over us and the NYS Thruway.  I was able to drive and watch the rainbows for about 30 minutes, I think, before they slowly faded away.  I took a few pictures with my cell phone (I know, not the best idea, but I was VERY careful).  I was stunned and amazed and thrilled with this event.  I was wondering if other people were noticing - how could they NOT notice??

Also on our drive home, we shared french fries from McDonalds (apologies to all my slow and gourmet foodie friends :) - a road trip tradition with me and the dogs.  It started with Sam and Sara and has continued to include Abby and now Allie, too.  Sam had two big french fries when I usually only give him one small piece.  He happily gobbled them down.  Maybe somehow we knew it was the last time?  At our rest stop Sam and Allie made a few friends when we parked near a couple with an older yellow Lab named Alex...  We had so much fun on that drive.  I couldn't have asked for a better "last drive home" with Sam.

I have made that drive with Sam since he was a puppy and we moved to Ohio - yes, I moved to Ohio one month after I adopted Sam, close to 17 years ago.  Another big event in my life.  All those times I have made that drive with him - and I've never done it without him. 

So, early next week we'll "drive home" again.  For the first time, without Sam, though I will still have the rainbows that he left me with....and french fries...  It's good to have a few different "homes" - I hope Sam is enjoying one of his right now.

Love ya', Bud...

Today...

...I have been struggling with Sampson's departure and wondering why I'm struggling.  I'm incredibly lucky - I shared nearly 17 years of my life with him.  Ah-ha, there are some clues in that sentence.  "I" shared those years with him.  I adopted Sam on my own, my decision, my choice, my life, my independence, my younger years.  "Nearly 17 years" with Sam - I also lived at home with my parents for 17 years before going to college, out on my own, new experiences, risks and rewards, excitement, choices, independence. 

My Mom brought Sandy home when we were kids.  Sara, Sam and Abby were all my dogs.  I chose them and they chose me.  Allie is the first dog that has entered my life as an agreement with someone else, a collaboration, a cooperative decision.  Maybe there's something there...  Maybe this feels more like being "grown-up" or "responsible" (yuck :)  Not that Allie or Mike are yucky, of course...  And I'm a big proponent of responsibility usually...  Hmmmm....

I think that my Self is feeling a loss of identity associated with losing connection to that younger, independent, own-choice-making Jen.  I just re-read that sentence and I'm not sure what it means so I'm going to have to mull on it...  It seems that somehow Sam was a link to parts of me that I value.  So, without a physical presence of Sam, I'll have to realize what those parts are, why I value them and then come up with some plan to...do something?  Not sure yet.  Sam's leaving may have brought to light that I needed to remember those parts - since he had been "remembering" them for me.

For what it's worth...

Sam the Flirt

Sampson has always enjoyed the company of other dogs.  He had friends of both sexes though he did often seem to flirt with girls...  Even into his elder years.  Last fall Sam was with me one Sunday evening when I was teaching agility in Akron.  We were finishing up and I brought him into the building while we picked up equipment.  As soon as he came into the building, Eva trotted over to Sam and the mutual flirting began.  Some of you know Eva, for those who don't, she is a Border Collie mix - all black and about 18 months old - and EXTREMELY cute.  Eva was thoroughly impressed with Sam's handsome, rugged good looks, air of experience, confident wag, and sparkling conversation.  She cavorted around him and frolicked about in the ring while Sam strutted his stuff for her.  He entered the ring happily wagging his tail and smiling at her antics.  She would charge towards him and drop into a playbow right in front of him.  His smiles and tail said, "If I were a year or two younger, Kid, I'd be chasing you around and playbowing right back at you."  Beth (Eva's person) and I had huge grins plastered across our faces and we were spontaneously bursting into laughter at the show we were enjoying.

All of a sudden, I saw a thought cross Sampson's face.  He had an idea.  He started walking quickly (for an almost 16 year old dog) and steadily towards....the TUNNEL!!  Sam had decided to impress Eva by doing the tunnel.  I could hardly contain my pride or my amazement.  My heart was bursting...  He entered the tunnel and steadily marched through it.  As I watched the tunnel shake with his progress, Eva stood by stunned and amazed.  She patiently awaited his arrival and when he emerged she joyfully ran to him and showered him with kisses and compliments on his tunnelling abilities.  He wagged and wagged and wagged and smiled and smiled and smiled at Eva and at his accomplishment.

What a cool guy!  That's how I remember Sam - I'll bet that's how Eva remembers him too...  Such a charmer - he had me at "Hello".

Thunderstorms

The only thing that Samspon was ever afraid of was thunderstorms.  And he was VERY afraid of thunderstorms.  The list of things that I'm afraid of is relatively short, though not as short as Sam's list. 

He would know when a storm was approaching and would wake me up by lying on my head.  Literally.  When a 50lb. dog lies on your head, you notice.  I just realized that Sam was only really afraid of thunderstorms at night or when we weren't home.  If there was a storm during the day when we were home, he wasn't very bothered.  If there was a storm while we were gone we would sometimes find him in the basement when we got home.  When a storm was coming at night I would wake up with Sam on or near my head and the only thing that would comfort him was letting him sleep next to me with his head buried under my pillow or the sheets.  Picture it.  Big, strong, brave, gentle Sam with his head shoved under my pillow for "safety".  I would pet him and tell him it would be fine and I not-so-secretly loved those times when he needed some comforting.  When the storm was over he would emerge and return to his normal independent self.  I often think that he sheepishly claimed to have been comforting me during the storm...

Just thunderstorms.  That's the only thing he was ever afraid of.  I don't know why, though I know that it was true for his whole life - until he began to lose his hearing.  The blessing of hearing loss for Sam was sleeping through thunderstorms.

I'm going to spend some time with the things that I'm afraid of and see if I can know why they affect me.  I'm also going to see what I can "sleep through"...  What about you?

Sampson the Hunter

Sam, the sweetest, wisest, most gentlemanly dog, the ambassador of his species - was also a hardened killer.  Thankfully, he only had two enemies in the world - woodchucks and skunks. 

Sam's first adventure I call "the practice woodchuck".  Abby's frantic barking gave me a clue that something was going on, so I ran to find Sam (we were hiking off leash at Squire Valleevue Farm, yes, I know that's not allowed).  I found Sam with a VERY large woodchuck in his jaws as he shook it vigorously.  However, he had grabbed the unfortunate critter too far back and instead of breaking its neck he was likely just giving it a splitting headache and some nausea.  I straddled Sam and lifted his front end off the ground.  So now, I'm holding Sam and shaking him and he's holding the woodchuck and shaking IT.  Finally he dropped it and, no kidding, the woodchuck landed on the ground and then turned to face us like, "Bring it on!!!"  I yelled some choice words at the woodchuck including some rather insulting comments about his mental abilities.  After a few minutes he waddled off into the woods unharmed.  Sam went back on leash for the next hour or so and when I let him off - a good couple of hundred yards away.  Yup, you guessed it, he bolted right back to where the woodchuck had been...

He eventually fine tuned his technique to my chagrin and two other woodchucks and a skunk met their demise in his jaws.  He grabbed the skunk one day on a walk with my Dad in Cleveland Heights.  My Dad returned and told us what had happened - Sam was reeking of skunk and I said, "But what happened to the skunk?"  My Dad said that it had gotten away, so we set to cleaning Sam up.  MUCH later - like years later - my Dad confessed that Sam had killed the skunk and my Dad had gone back and collected it and put it in the garbage can on the corner so that I wouldn't be mad at Sam :)

Over the years, Sam and Abby got skunked several times and it only seemed to cause them to be even more incensed (no pun intended :) the next time they happened upon a "perfume kitty" as the previous owners of my house were wont to call them...

So there were many sides to Sam.  I'm not sure what caused him to despise (or at least want to eliminate) those two varieties of relatively harmless animals, though it was quite an inconvenient obsession.  I suppose it's a reminder that we're all different in different situations and no matter how well we know someone, or ourselves, there is usually something that we still don't know, don't understand, or can't explain.  A little mystery is a good thing...as long as it doesn't smell too bad :).

Sam's Many Lives

I'm remembering how lucky Sam and I are to have been together for so long - and also how many times he scared the b'jesus out of me by using up some of his "lives".  Such as:

• jumping out the passenger's side car window at a stop sign to chase a squirrel in Shaker Heights when he was about 1 year old (I pulled the car over left my dog Sara in the car and tracked him into someone's back yard where I recaptured him)...
• waking up to a trembling (otherwise normally acting) Sampson in the Spring of 2000 - going to the vet and learning that he had most likely ingested a neurotoxin (slug poison, maybe?) and it was too late to induce vomiting so he would either die or not depending on how much he  had ingested (the dogs and I stayed in bed for about 24 hours to keep him calm minimizing the risk of seizures and he recovered just fine)
• finding Sam wandering on the shoulder of Fairmount Road in front of my apartment in an area with poor visibility (Spring of 2000 - back on leash for walks and after a week or two my heart rate came back down)
• also Spring 2000, Sam coming home with a bleeding head wound after about 5-10 minutes loose in the yard (also at my apartment on Fairmount, needed to be stapled closed hence his nickname Frankendog)
• Sam's "fever of unknown origin" event in 2008 (detailed earlier)
• surgery for a growth on his jaw at about 3 years old (~1998) that was likely cancerous in the vet's opinion (it was benign)
• summer of 1998 (age 3 1/2 years) when he spooked three deer during a walk at the Polo Field (off leash, yes, I know that's not allowed) and chased them across Chagrin River Road at full speed (I ran as fast as I could because I knew that if I called him he would come back across the road - I wasn't fast enough and I saw him running back towards River Road and me, so I closed my eyes and opened them when I didn't hear a "thud" or screeching tires - he was safely back across and running toward me full tilt - Good Boy!!)
• disappearing on a walk with me and Sidney at Andrews (also around 1998) - not one of my best judgement days - I had decided to ride Sidney (a horse I was leasing) through the woods and thought it would be fun for Sam to come too - except Sam didn't stay with us and I couldn't go look for him because I was on a horse (I rode back to the barn and someone showed up with Sam asking if he belonged to anyone at the barn - whew!)
• Christmas 2010 - LAST Christmas-time Sam was not sleeping at all at my parents' house every other night - literally - every other night Mike or I would not sleep because he was barking and unsettled, I wasn't sure he would make it to Christmas and then not sure he would make it to New Year's (he did and bounced back stunningly for most of 2011)

Looking over this list, it's AMAZING that we had so much time together!!  I especially relish our last year together.  I'm guessing this gives many of you a glimpse of Sam and I that you might not have had before...  It was a long, long road and I've loved the ride. 

I'm looking forward to the next adventures that Sam and I have before us. I'm remembering to live in the moment - even the scary or sad moments.  Every moment will pass and the only one that's guaranteed is the one we're in right NOW...

Sampson and Kids

I met Sampson when I volunteered at the Finger Lakes Humane Society (almost 17 years ago) where he was given up as a puppy.  I was asked to take a puppy to a Pre-School when they were doing a Pet Day event.  I picked Sampson (who I had named when he came into the shelter).  He spent the hour or so wading through the sea of 4 year olds, smiling and laughing at them as they petted him, fed him biscuits and hugged him.  Hmmm, I thought, this is a special puppy.  Apparently the teacher thought so too, because she sent her husband to the Shelter to adopt Sampson and the Director told him that she was pretty sure a volunteer (me) was going to adopt him (totally against her own rule of "he's not yours until the papers are signed" and oh, I had never even MENTIONED adopting Sam). 

Sam continued his affection for and tolerance of children for his entire life despite not spending a lot of time around youngsters.  Here is a picture of Sam from Elkton, Maryland this past summer (at 16 1/2 years old and probably with some discomfort from arthritis) surrounded by his young friends who wanted him to meet Sparkle their very small, white, stuffed :) dog. 

Sam dutifully met Sparkle while throwing me looks and saying, "Seriously?  I still have to do this stuff?  It's not even a real dog.  You owe me BIG time for this one.  Yes, girls, she's beautiful, she certainly is.  Seriously, Mom?"

We visited the office of Sam's chiropractor this fall and a family came in with several small children (between 2 and 5 years old, maybe).  There were several other humans and dogs in the office and the kids went around and visited all the dogs (except one small dog who wasn't crazy about kids).  When the doctor came out he said, "Kids, you can pet the dogs if you want to, except for this one", indicating Sampson.  He assumed that since Sam was really old and likely ouchy that he wouldn't tolerate kids.  The children had already petted and hugged Sam and the doctor was shocked that he had been okay with that.  I wasn't shocked, just a day in the life of Sam.  He was always the most gentle, kind, and understanding soul and continued to be so through his last day when Doctor Baum at the Emergency Hospital commented that despite Sam's probable discomfort he didn't whimper, snap, or growl during his poking and prodding examination.  He was surprised - I was not.  Just a day in the life of Sam...

"Just because I'm uncomfortable, that doesn't mean I should take it out on others."  Another Sam-ism?  Something else for me to work on, I think...

Going to the Car

When Sam was done being at the barn and ready to go home he would go and lie by the car.  Even over the last few months when walking was tougher for him, I would return to the car and he would be next to the driver's side door having walked there from wherever I left him (within 20 feet of the car). 

One time, several years ago, Abby was dashing about the whole property frantically looking for me everywhere (I was riding Emmy in the field and she didn't see me), people were trying to comfort her and explain that I hadn't left her, she was inconsolable.  Sam?  Sam was lying by the car.  "We came in the car, so we have to leave in the car and Abby, the car is still here, so Mom's still here.  Relax."

Sam also started to "go to the car" other places when he was ready to go.  Here is a picture from this summer in Elkton, Maryland when we were getting ready to leave.  Sam is pictured after he "went to the car" on his own and he's getting a good-bye hug from Reese Khanjar.

My ever wise Mike said to me last night when I was having trouble leaving the Hospital for the final time, "Jen, he's lying by the car now.  It's time to go.  He's lying by the car."  And he was right.  It was time for Sam to go and it was time for me to go.  Sam was lying by the car.

Another lesson.  When it's time to go, go.  Don't monkey around, get going.  If you can't drive yourself, at least go lie by the car.

Love ya', Bud...

My Light

We decided to take Sam from the vet's office where he had spent the day on Thursday to the Emergency Hospital for the night where he would be monitored by their 24 hour staff.  He had not declined, though he had not really improved either.  The vet there was wonderful, reminding me a lot of Dr. Clemens, and was straight forward about Sam's condition and prognosis.  We (Mike, Sam, and I) decided to give him a chance to see if he wanted to come back.  I asked Sam repeatedly if he wanted to let go and his answer was always, "No".  Mike had the same feeling.  Even in the car on the drive to the Hospital after my parents went inside, I told Sam that if he wanted to let go right now, he could.  I said, "It's just you and me, Bud, just like it's always been.  It's okay if you want to let go."  He said, "No, not yet."  The staff at the Hospital were wonderful and caring and the doctor agreed with our plan to see if he could recover with supportive care and rest.  This episode was shockingly similar to the event in 2008 (a high fever of unknown origin), so we figured that if he was going to come back again we'd know pretty soon.  We agreed that we didn't want to do any more testing or heroic-type measures.  They made Sam very comfortable on blankets in a kennel near the door so that everyone could see him and keep an eye on his condition.  We went in to say goodbye to Sam and they assured us that they would call if he declined so that we could come and see him.  I left relatively calm and knowing that we were doing the right thing and what Sam wanted.

Then we went to a Kenny Rogers Christmas and Hits concert that I had gotten tickets for earlier in the week (as a present to my parents).  Interesting timing, huh?  I started checking my phone slightly obsessively around 8pm and kept checking it periodically during the concert.  No calls.  At about 9:30pm, I began to feel anxious and felt a tightening in my chest.  I wanted to leave NOW.  A few more songs, blah, blah, come on Kenny, hurry it up, I NEED TO LEAVE!  At what appeared to be the last song, we began to walk out to avoid the crowds, oops, one more song, we sat down in the aisle on the steps.  Hurry up, Kenny!  Finally we walked out, successfully avoiding the throngs and headed for the car.  When we got into the car, I checked my phone.  Two voice messages.  Missed calls from the Hospital at 9:58 and 10:06pm.  It was 10:09pm.  I called and it took about 10 years for Doctor Baum to come to the phone.  He very kindly explained to me that about 20 minutes earlier Sam had either a stroke or an aneurysm and stopped breathing.  They attempted to resuscitate him and during that attempt, his heart just gradually stopped beating. 

This was what Sam wanted.  He did not want me to be there when he passed and he did not want me to have to make a "decision".  He did it his way, like he always did.  He probably orchestrated the buying of those concert tickets, too.  If we hadn't been at a concert, we might not have left him or we might have been back sooner.  He somehow convinced Kenny Rogers to collaborate with him - without that final song and the applause I would have noticed my phone vibrating and we would have been rushing back to the Hospital sooner.

We visited his physical form, though he was obviously gone.  I had seen him running like a puppy next to our car on our way to the Hospital.  He is just fine, now.  I'm the one who needed to see "him" one last time. 

So now there is a big black furry hole in my life.  I miss him and I know that it was the right time for him and the right way for him to leave us.  Allie, L.C., Jinx, Jasper, and Archie are doing their best to fill in - snuggling, making me smile, and generally acting normal.  Sam must have left them instructions.  I can hear him now, "She's going to be a mess, trust me.  I've been through this with her twice before, I should know.  So here's what you need to do, team...."

Still teaching, still Sam...

Sam, Allie, and L.C.

Sam and I had two constant companions last night - Allie and L.C. which stands for Little Cat and is pronounced Elsie.  L.C. is the kitten who showed up on our deck one week to the day after my car accident (hence her name).  Each of these relative youngsters and new additions to our family were teaching me last night.  Simple lessons from each of them, though not always easy.

Allie got a pretty good night's sleep, untroubled by Sam's distress.  L.C. is visiting New York for the first time and was thoroughly exploring her boundaries (my upstairs bedroom) and playing with a pink ball.  I felt that Allie was modeling the inevitability of the situation for me - whatever happens is what happens.  At one point in the early morning, she jumped off the bed and laid down next to Sam with her spine to his spine.  Yin and yang, male and female, mostly white and mostly black, young and old, entering and preparing to depart.  She has (mostly) always been gently curious and affectionate with Sam and he has been extremely tolerant of her youthful energy and enthusiasm - which sometimes includes jumping over him as he lies on the floor or stepping on him by accident.  Here is a picture of them together from this Spring when Allie joined us...

Meanwhile, L.C. was apparently oblivious to everything Sam and I were going through.  "Why are you on the floor with Sam?  Hey, I want some pets too!  Pet me!  Hi, Sam, what are you doing?  I'm going to GET that pink ball!!  Get out of the way, Sam, I want some water, too...", etc., etc.  Again, the inevitability of the situation.  To all things there are a season and as one season ends, another begins...

Simple, though not easy.  For me at least, and especially with my animal friends...

Snow Pictures

Two more snow pictures - these are from early this year (I believe)...  One on our deck and one in the field at the barn.

Sam in The Snow

Sam has always loved the snow.  He would throw himself down in it and roll on his back and make doggie snow angels.  He hasn't done this in a few years, however, we had some snow this week and he did venture about 15-20 feet out in to the middle of the yard in it.  His progress was documented by the footsteps and the mashed down places where he rested on his trip.  I wasn't home when this happenend and no one directly witnessed his trek, so I'm choosing to imagine that he "angel-ed" his way over the middle of the yard.

I'm so glad that it snowed for Sam this week, just in case he doesn't get to see the snow again on this part of his life's journey.  Here are a couple of photos from 2008, just after he recovered from the previous mystery fever...  What a handsome guy!!

The Pain of Regret

Perhaps an obvious topic today.  I'm regretting not posting more Sam stories this year.  I'm regretting not spending more time with Sam each day than I have.  I'm regretting that I have cared for his physical self without always spending time with the rest of him.  I'm regretting that sometimes Sam became something that had to be washed, or taken out, or fed, or placated, or inspected.  I'm regretting that I didn't sleep next to Sam on the floor more times and take him to the barn more and ....

I'm realizing that there is always going to be the opportunity to regret.  Whether I take it or not is up to me.  I'm trying to put it back down.  I can only do what I can do with what I have and where I am.  And that is enough.  Still working on this one.

I miss my dog...

Eternal Optimism - Part II

I wrote about Sam's eternal optimism with respect to attempting to catch every snack tossed to him despite catching none of them.  What I have neglected to add is that Sam began to catch a significant number of snacks in the last couple of months.  On several occasions he caught about 70-80% of the goodies.  Pretty impressive numbers, huh?  So how did this happen?  Well, Sam kept being Sam.  He kept doing his thing - watch the hand intently, track its arc, quickly calculate the exact trajectory of the object using obscure algebra and calculus theorems and functions, and then open mouth at the predicted time of treat arrival.  Sam was predictable.  He kept doing Sam - and I perfected my tosses.  I helped by tossing in perfect time to his predictable mouth opening.  If we missed, we tried again.  And sometimes again and again...

Sam's lesson to me is that if we keep being and doing our true self and don't give up and don't get distracted or try to be something that we are not - sometimes the outside world comes to meet us where we are.  Sometimes the tosses get better and we catch more treats.  Sam had to show up - he had to track, he had to open, he had to stay engaged and look for the treats on the floor that he missed, he had to keep trying - and the tosses got better...

Hmmmm.....  Thanks, Sam.

A Long, Long Night

Around 1am, Sam began to act strangely.  He would make a strange, gargley noise that became a bark.  I could not tell if it was pain, disorientation, frustration, or something else.  I was up most of the night helping him to be as comfortable as possible and deciding if I needed to take him to an emergency clinic.  I decided not to take him in for two reasons - first of all, there were times when I thought he might be passing on and I figured that it would be best to stay put and be present with him; secondly, he would rest apparently comfortably for periods of up to an hour at a time between episodes. 

I am as comfortable as I can be with my decision to wait until morning.  We went to the vet this morning and Sam had a fever of 106 - extremely high.  Our choices were to put him to sleep or start him on fluids, antibiotics and temperature reducing methods as well as doing blood work and X-rays to try and diagnose the root cause.  Mike is not in New York yet, so I called him and we both agreed that we didn't feel that Sam was ready to leave just yet.  My sense from Sam is that he was fine with whatever we decided - either way is okay with him.  This still could be the end of the road for Sam, though we are going to see if some basic care and monitoring shifts his situation.  In February 2008, some of you will remember that we had a similar episode with Sam (high fever, admitted to the hospital, etc.) - though we never determined a cause, he fully recovered from that event, however ths is an almost 4 years older dog (equivalent to probably 15-20 human years).

We'll know more this afternoon.  If he isn't stabilizing enough to suit the doctor they will recommend that we transfer him to an Emergency Hospital that is staffed 24 hours, or make a decision to help him pass.  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it...

In the meantime, my plan is to add more stories to Sam's blog and take a nap...

Thanks to Everyone for your wonderful support!
Jen, Mike, Sam, Allie, Emmy, and the cats

Eternal Optimism

A few months ago we were eating leftover pizza outside by the grill (obviously :) and, of course, Sam and Allie were there too.  Sam began to bark, as he often does when we're eating and he thinks that we should be sharing. 

He was a little too far away for me to hand him a pizza bone (you'll figure it out :) so I prepared to toss it to him.  As I lowered my hand to toss underhand, his face tracked my hand - no surprise, his eyes still work just fine - and as I raised my hand to release the treat his face tracked my hand upwards - again, no surprise.  The surprise was that as I raised my hand he would start to look for the arc of the airborne food and would open his mouth in anticipation - whether or not I released the food.  If the expected food didn't appear he would start to look on the ground for it.  Every time I did this motion whether or not I tossed the food, he would notice, track, then prepare to receive, then investigate.  Every time. 

The lesson I heard was about receiving good things in life.  I need to notice an opportunity, track it, prepare to receive, and investigate the outcome - food or no food.  Sometimes the pizza bone doesn't land in your mouth and it could still be within reach.  If we give up because the food didn't come one time, we might miss the next chance.  Eternal Optimism.  One other detail about that evening - Sam never once caught the food in his mouth (which he used to do) and he still ate a lot of pizza bones because he didn't get frustrated, wasn't hard on himself, he never gave up and didn't care about the past. He stayed in the present with the smell of pizza in the air.

Thanks, Sam. 

Believe It Or Not...

...it's now Fall and Sam is still here.  You've missed most of his eventful summer since I have been quite delinquent in posting updates - I'm hoping to make up for that going forward :)

We have made several long distance trips, had some health ups and downs, lots of dogs staying with us and he just keeps on ticking.  My heart is warm thinking of him as I type - oh, and he's barking in the sunroom, too.  I love that bark.  I'm happy that right now, I love that bark, since it could easily seem irritating and demanding.  To me, being present is loving that bark.

Thanks for the presentness practice, Sam. 

Don't Just Bark About It...

...DO SOMETHING!  That's what Sam has started to remember to do.  Tough love is having me listen to Sam bark right now because he wants me to help him get up and move onto his bed for the night.  Last night the same thing happened and after about 1 minute of barking (Sam is getting up right now as I'm typing) he got up and walked to his bed and laid back down.  So I'm discovering that tough love results in a warped perception of time.  I estimated a moment ago that Sam had barked for about a minute - it was probably really about 10-20 seconds.  Probably less than 10 barks total.  I wonder why it seems like so much longer than it really is?

By the way, right now he is on his bed lying in his preferred orientation.  He is panting since it's quite warm in the room and he has been exerting himself more this evening, though he's not unduly stressed from his journey.  Which was about 8 feet from door to bed.

So, my lesson seems to be, what do I need to DO something about instead of just barking about it?  Hmmm...  I'll let you know what I come up with...  What have you been "barking" about lately?

A Gift from Sam

No, it wasn't a bouquet of dandelions or a crayon drawing or a beautiful necklace - it was far, far more lovely.  An uninterrupted night of sleep.  Last night, Sam didn't wake me up at all.  I had stayed up pretty late reading, and fully expected at least one or two mid-night "requests".  So when I woke up around 7am or so, I was surprised, happy, and well rested. 

And then I thought, "Is he still breathing?"  So I listened for a few seconds and, sure enough, he was still breathing...  Often Sam will ask for help moving around or a drink of water a few times overnight - the previous two nights, though, he had four "requests" each night.  Not the most restful nights either of us has ever had, to say the least...  Which makes last night's peace all the more special and appreciated.

Thanks, Sam.  Thanks for the beautiful, wonderful gift.  It was exactly what I wanted - how did you know?

Well, It's Mid-June...

...and Sam's still here.  He hasn't been walking as easily or as much, though he just had chiropractic adjustments two weeks in a row, so we'll see if that helps.  He is still sassy, still totally with it mentally, and still loving his meals and, especially, his pizza bones.
He has had more baths in the last three months than in the first 16 years of his life - BY FAR.  Sam hates baths.  Two days ago, we needed to give him a little bath and since it was warm, we were unrolling the hose.  All of a sudden I turned around and Sam was up and "running" - he was headed for the driveway at warp, 16 1/2 year old dog speed (read: a slow, ungainly, uneven, gimpy walk).  Sam hates the hose even more than he hates baths.  He looked over his shoulder as if to see if we were gaining on him.  I have a feeling that in his mind, he really was running.  Unfortunately for Sam, we caught him - when he laid down near the driveway - and he still had to have his bath.

The reasons for Sam's increasing number of baths will be intentionally omitted due to the fact that Sam has expressly forbidden me to discuss private details of his condition.  He has always been very proper and private and somewhat reserved, so I will honor his wishes and simply say that Sam is enjoying being neat and clean, though he doesn't enjoy the process.

Sam is officially 16 and a 1/2 years old this month.  I honestly didn't expect him to see Valentine's Day considering his condition over Christmas.  I'm practicing giving up wondering how long he'll stay with us.  It appears to be a futile exercise to suppose and guess.  Who knows if he has another comeback in him?  Maybe Sam knows - but he's not saying right now.

One day at a time, one bath at a time, one bark at a time, one pizza bone at a time, one heartbeat at a time...

I love that old dog.

A Poem for (or from?) Sam

When I rise up

let me rise up joyful

like a bird.

When I fall

let me fall without regret

like a leaf.

- Wendell Berry

Tough Love

So, Sam hasn't been walking quite as well or as much as he was a month or so ago.  He just saw the chiropractor on Saturday and was walking better on Monday than he had in weeks.  He is getting up a bit easier and walking more steadily.

Sometimes, though, Sam will be lying down and start barking at me to do something.  Sometimes it's, "Get me a drink of water!", or "I want my dinner!", or "I want to go somewhere else!", and sometimes I don't know what the barking means.  Several times a day, I let Sam bark.  And bark.  And bark...  And often, he will get up and go get or do what he wants.  To me, this is tough love.  If I do everything for Sam, he will lose the ability to do things for himself.  I have watched him trying to stand up and waited and watched and waited and watched as he attempted or planned his attempt.  Sometimes it's hard to watch.  My deal with Sam is that if he can't get up or walk and he at least tries, or tries to try, I'll help him do anything he needs to do.  Though even then I try to only help as much as he needs and not any more than he needs. 

This might sound harsh to some people, I know that's a possibility.  I also know my Sam and I'm listening to him all the time, even when I'm "just" letting him bark.  I know that he'll tell me when it's all too much for him.  I know he'll tell me when he's done trying.  So far, it's not too much for him and he's not done trying and I sure do love him - toughly.

Well, It's May...

...and Sam's still here.  He's sound asleep and having a great dream right now.  His sides are huffing and puffing and he's making little dream bark noises. 

If you had asked me in December what my dream was, I might have said, "That Sam is still here in the spring." - it seemed that unlikely then.  So, my dream came true, I guess...  I think Sam's lesson for me is to dream what seems impossible so that I can be amazed when it comes true - and then dream another dream.

He's almost 16 and a half years old now - and still dreaming...

The Sam of It All...

One Small Step...

You all know the saying, "This is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." by Neil Armstrong

Well yesterday and today at our house it was more like, "One small step for Sam, one giant leap for old dogs everywhere."  Sam climbed the single step up to the deck alone yesterday - no one even saw him do it.  Today, he did it again with about one finger of support from me (which he didn't even really need).  I would never have expected him to climb any steps again.  Yet, I let it be possible in my mind.

Another lesson from Sam, just let it be possible and see what happens...  Thanks, Bud.

Sam's Poem

Letting go

doesn't mean

loving less.

It means

living more.

Sam's Big Teaching - The Encore

This last piece is an e-mail follow-up from 2009...

Hi,

It's nearly impossible for me to believe that one year ago this week, we brought Sam home from the hospital after his mysterious 4 day illness.  He turned 14 years old in January and is going strong.  His appetite and attitude are fantastic, though he doesn't go up or down the stairs as fast as he used to.  Snow is still one of his favorite things and I've attached a couple of pictures that Mike took on Sunday -almost 1 year from the day that Sam went to the emergency room with me in a full panic.  The pictures show Sam relaxing in the snow, then rolling in the snow while eating snow, and then shaking off the snow.  Sights that I never get tired of.

Sam keeps a busy schedule these days - kibble and supplements in the morning, followed by a carrot snack, then some rigorous napping followed up by an afternoon activity (such as barking at the neighbors' dog, chasing cats, teaching Mom some philosophy, cleaning up cat food off the floor, preparing for tax season, begging for more carrots, etc.), next up is a brisk round of napping, and the day culminates with dramatically greeting Mom or Uncle Michael when they come home, more kibble and supplements (and carrots), a final walk/run/roll in the snow and then AHHHHH bedtime.

I'll never forget the lessons that Sam taught me last year - and that he is still teaching me.  Continuing to "let go" is an lifetime process and a rewarding one.  Thanks to everyone for all their help during those difficult days - we really needed you and you were there.  We don't know how much longer Sam will choose to be with us, but we'll try to value every day.  We never really know how much time is left for anything, I guess...

All the best to everyone and hug your family (2 and 4 legged) from us!

Jen, Mike, Sam, Abby, Emmy, and the cats...

Sam's Big Teaching - Part 8 - No News is Good News

The finale from 2008...

Hi there!

It's hard to believe that three weeks ago Sam was in the hospital and we were worried sick.  Except for his funky hairdo, you'd never know it.

He's been home for 2 1/2 weeks now and is scheduled for one more follow-up appointment with his internist at the hospital (probably on Wednesday this week).  He is finishing his last antibiotic up and is diving into his regular dry food with gusto.  He has resumed his selective hearing and mischievious antics - for example, on Friday, I took Sam and Abby out in the back yard without leashes (Sam has been off leash mostly since he's been home from the hospital).  I had LOTS of treats in my hand since Abby has been known to scamper off to investigate Cleveland Heights when not attached to something or someone sturdy.  Both dogs were fine in the back yard (after I managed to get Sam to leave the neighbor's yard and join us in the back yard), but on the way back to the house, Sam disappeared.  Really, he just disappeared.  I couldn't find him anywhere, for several minutes I called and waited thinking he had gone around the garage or something.  Finally, I ran Abby into the house (she had stayed right with me, thanks to the cookies) and I went around to the front of the house - no Sam.  I headed further into the front yard, towards the street and as I looked east up Silsby - there was Sam!  About four houses up the street on the sidewalk headed away from the house!  Needless to say, I ran down to get him and he started trotting home as soon as I reached him, "I was just coming home anyway, Mom!".  He ran up the driveway and then into the neighbor's yard again, finally I had to go get him and chase him back into our yard where he still took the long route back to the house. 

So....I was very happy to be scolding and chasing my 13 year old dog who had been hospitalized two weeks earlier!  However, Sam's off-leash privileges have been temporarily revoked pending some retraining - especially, "Come!"...  Sam's selective hearing tends to kick in when he's outside (he can hear kibble hitting his bowl from a quarter mile, but if he's 20 feet away somehow he can't hear his name - hmmmmmm????).  Someone suggested that his selective hearing has nothing to do with his age and everything to do with his gender - hmmmmm?????  That explains a lot!

So thank you again, everyone, for asking how Sam has been doing and for continuing to keep us in your thoughts.  I'm going to send a couple of new pictures in a separate e-mail.  They were taken only a few days after Sam came home and he was thoroughly enjoying the new snow.  One picture shows him rolling in the snow which he has done for his whole life - he drops down on his shoulder then completely onto his side and then proceeds to roll vigorously on his back - making a perfect doggie snow angel. 

All the best to everyone and please take care and be well...

Jen, Mike, Sam, Abby, the cats, and Emmy

Sam's Big Teaching - Part 7 - Three Day Update

Hi Everyone,

At three days post release, Sam is still doing well.  He has been getting stronger and stronger and is thoroughly enjoying the fact that he gets to eat unlimited "cat food" - he thinks that anything that comes out of a can is cat food, so even though he's getting canned DOG food, we are continuing to let him think that he's getting away with something and eating LOTS of "cat food".  All of our other pets are extremely jealous of his punk hairdo - picture the seventh place entry in a children's poodle clipping contest.  He has shaved ankles all around, a shaved square on his hip, shaved belly, neck, and chest.  His temperature has stayed normal so far and he's been a champ about taken his many medications (buried in the "cat food", sssssssshhhhh.....).  He's getting back into his normal routines, but is still tired and a bit wobbly from time to time.  It was great to have him meet me at the door the other day for the first time since his return.  We are scheduled for a re-check with the internal medicine doctor around Wednesday this week and I'll keep checking his temperature every day or so to keep tabs.

Thanks for all of your support and well wishes.  We all truly value our friends and family and appreciate all of your e-mails and calls.  My apologies for not getting back to everyone, if I haven't yet.  I'm getting over a nasty chest cold from last weekend and Mike has been down with a chest cold/flu (temp of 102) most of this week.  Hopefully, the ship is righting itself and we'll all be on the up and up for a while. 

All our best wishes and love,

Jen, Mike, Sam, Abby, the cats, and Emmy

Sam's Big Teaching - Part 6 - He's Home

I remember this day very well even though it was over three years ago now...

Hello Everyone,

Well, Sam has chosen to stay with us for a while longer.  I picked him up at the hospital at about 4pm this afternoon and he greeted me with a bright face, relatively sturdy walk, and a wagging tail.  His vet technician proclaimed her love for him and sang his praises as a dog and as a patient.  He seemed unsurprised to have left such a strong impression on her.  He will be on three antibiotics and Pepcid AC (to keep the antibiotics from upsetting his stomach too much) and is scheduled for a re-check in 7 days if all goes well.  We are still expecting results from two tests.  Current thinking is either an extreme inflammation in the intestinal tract or a tick borne disease.

Sam trotted a few steps on the rainy walk to the car (after urinating on the corner of the hospital building - nothing personal, I'm sure).  As I was preparing to help him into the passenger seat of my car, he climbed right in on his own and walked into the back seat (where he traditionally rides).  Okay, Sam, whatever you say.  After running a few errands, we got home and Sam trotted from the car into the woods behind the house.  He seemed to want to be loose, so I removed his leash.  He then spent the next 10 minutes carefully inspecting his woods as if he was seeing them for the first time.  I had the distinct feeling that he was thinking that he was glad to be back in the woods and even that he had forgotten that this was a really good part of being alive - there's always something new in the woods.  I just let him wander around and sniff and get wet (though I was paranoid that he would eat something - which may be how we ended up in the hospital in the first place).  Eventually he decided to come inside and was enthusiastically greeted by Abby (those who know Abby won't be surprised). 

He is now resting comfortably in the bedroom - we'll have dinner soon.  He came upstairs by himself earlier and didn't have any difficulty despite the fact that he hasn't eaten much for a few days and is a bit wobbly.  It's sheer pleasure to see his face and feel his presence in the house again - for however long he stays.  It could be hours or years - who knows.  But then we never really know, do we?  In honor of Sam, please hug someone tonight or tomorrow morning.  Someone who may be surprised or that you might not have hugged otherwise.

All the thanks and love in the world to this wonderful network of people.  I've been sending these updates to about 110 people.  I'll keep you updated on Sam as we go forward.  If anyone ever needs anything, please don't hesitate to contact me or other friends.  One of the most important lessons that I've learned is to reach out in times like these - my previous reaction would have been to contract and not talk to anyone.  I would have missed out on so much these last few days if I had done that.  I'm happy to share any of the resources that I've discovered with any of you - medical knowledge, pharmacological information, doctor's names, names of human and/or animal energy work professionals or anything else.  Please let me know if you are curious about anything that came up in these e-mails...

Thank you and have a wonderful evening,

Jen, Mike, Sam, Abby, the cats, and Emmy
(otherwise known as the Ark on Silsby)

Sam's Big Teaching - Part 5 - Sam

Another dose from 2008...

Hi Everyone,

Well, this morning the doctor said that Sam's temperature is down to 102.5 (normal) without medication.  In addition, his blood work is all normal as well (white blood cells up to 10,000, neutrophils up to 3,300, and hematocrit - red blood cells - at 36,000).  We will be bringing Sampson home soon, probably today.  The doctors are decreasing his fluids to see if he can keep his temperature down.  We still won't know if we are out of the woods, but Sam will be much more comfortable at home regardless of what comes next.  He's tired of being in the hospital and needs to come home.

A good friend and Reiki master (some of you know Linda Richards) helped me to see that Sampson and I have a co-dependent relationship.  Linda said that if I could let Sam go, he might have the energy to keep on living and if I couldn't let him go, he would not.  She said that he was fine either way - he feels that he has accomplished what he needs to here and if this was time to go, he was okay with that.  We had this conversation last night and I released Sam from all his "obligations" - to get better, to live forever, to stop limping, to be perfect, to stay young, everything.  He is free to just take care of himself now.

Whether or not this has anything to do with his temperature stabilization, we will never know.  Some of you will think this sounds crazy - some of you will understand.  I just wanted to share this because the exercise of releasing Sam led me to understand how much pressure I had unwittingly placed on him and how exhausting that must have been for him.  We do this to our pets, spouses, children, parents, and friends all the time, I would imagine.  I'm going to continue to work on releasing the animals and people in my life.  For their benefit and mine.  It does not mean that I don't love them - I do.  I'm just releasing them to be themselves instead of what I "want" or "need" them to be.  Maybe this can help someone else, as well.

I'll let you know when Sam comes home - maybe it will only be for a short while, maybe for a very long time - that's his choice, now.

Love to everyone,

Jen, Mike, Sam, Abby, the cats, and Emmy

Sam's Big Teaching - Part 4 - Mixed Results Today

The story continues...

Hello Everyone,

Your support is overwhelming.  Thank you.  Sam had some good and not-so-good news today.  His temperature has gone back up (to about 104) but not too high and his red blood cell count dropped (which had been normal).  On the plus side, his white blood cell count nearly doubled (to 2400) and his neutrophils were also up.  His X-rays and ultrasound found nothing particularly interesting (no tumors or enlarged organs), there was a minor comment on his heart, so we're following that up.  Sam had a sample of bone marrow taken so that the doctors can investigate his inconsistent and abnormal blood counts.  Results from that test and a blood culture may not be back for several days.  In the meantime, when we visited Sam tonight, he was still pretty down from the anesthesia (for the bone marrow aspiration) so he was definitely in need of sleep.  We're hoping that his fever will plateau or will come down overnight without any additional medication.  The doctors have also added another antibiotic to his IV to cover some more bases.

You are all wonderful and we appreciate your caring more than you could possibly know.  Please keep the good thoughts coming and we'll keep encouraging Sam to be strong.

Take care, and love to everyone,

Jen, Mike, Sam, Abby, the cats, and Emmy

Sam's Big Teaching - Part 3 - Keeping the Faith

Episode #3 from 2008...
Hello Friends,

Sam is much more comfortable this evening.  His temperature is down to normal, BUT we don't know yet if that's due to the shot that he received at noon or if it's because he's broken his fever.  The shot is very long lasting they told us, so it's not possible to discriminate the effect from any potential healing.  At least he's more comfortable and he'll get a good night's sleep.  He was very mobile when we visited him, he ate some dog food and some baby carrots that we gave him and he had eaten in his kennel when they offered him food earlier in the evening.  All good signs.  I'll start to feel better if his temperature is still down in the morning and closer to noontime tomorrow (24 hours after he received the shot).  He will still be seeing the oncologist in the morning and having some more tests.  Cross your fingers and your toes...

I can't believe how lucky we are to have such incredible support.  Thank you all for your thoughts, e-mails, phone calls, energy, and prayers...

Love to everyone,

Jen, Mike, Sam, Abby, the cats, and Emmy

Sam's Big Teaching - Part 2

Just a reminder, this Teaching is from 2008, Sam is hunky dory.  The story continues below...



Well, we knew that we were lucky, but we didn't know how lucky.  Everyone has been so wonderful in your support of Sam, Mike, Abby, and I. 

Sam is still hospitalized and we still don't know exactly what's going on.  His fever spiked to 107 and they had to put him in a cold bath and give him a shot to bring it down.  That worked and it came down to 104 and when we visited with him this afternoon, he was mobile, wanted to come home and ate some food.  All good signs, but the underlying problem is the low white blood count and the remaining fever.  Sam is scheduled to see an oncologist in the morning since cancer is a possible cause of a low white blood count (as is a very bad systemic infection).  We will know more tomorrow.

I can't thank you all enough for all of your prayers, spreading the word to others, and for your appreciation of just what a handsome and wonderful dog Sam is.  My mom said it very well, "It's easy to give thanks when things are going well, it's not so easy to give thanks when things aren't, give thanks for Sam."  So, I give thanks for Sam and for all of my friends and family.  There are people praying for Sam across the country.  Thank you all.

Take care and hug your family one extra time from us, today.

Jen and Mike

Sam's Big Teaching - Part 1

This Teaching from Sam began on February 2, 2008.  I'm re-posting these e-mail messages for those who don't know this story.  Again, Sam is ABSOLUTELY FINE.  These e-mails and this story are from 2008.

Hello Everyone,

Our beloved dog, Sampson is in the Veterinary Emergency Hospital this evening.  We took him in this afternoon because he wasn't himself, refused his breakfast and had a temperature of 104.  We don't know yet what is going on, but he will likely be in the Hospital until Monday morning.  We visited him this evening and were encouraged when he ate some food that we brought (with great interest, too) but there is still a long way to go.  His temperature reached at least 104.6, but had decreased a bit when we saw him this evening (to 103.5).  Sampson's white blood cell count is low and that can indicate several things - some bad, some not-as-bad.  He is currently on IV fluids and antibiotics.

Mike and I would like to ask that you keep Sampson in your thoughts and prayers and send him any good energy that you may be able to spare.  Whatever you believe in, we would like to ask that you consider supporting Sam while he heals.  I'm sending a picture in a separate e-mail for anyone who may not have met Sam in person yet.

Thank you to everyone and we wish the best of everything to all of you...

Love,
Jen and Mike

Allie and Me

Here's a picture of us to go with my last post...  See, she likes to lie right next to me...and she plays with toys...a lot.

My New Sister

Please note, this post (except for the last line) is Sam's perspective on our new addition to the Ark (aka, his new little sister dog).  The humans in the house are a fair bit more enthusiastic about the new arrival :)

Sam says, "Since she appears to be here to stay, I guess I should tell you all about her.   Her name is Allie.  She's a Border Collie mix - emphasis on the mix.  Some people say she looks like a harbor seal.  What do you think?  This is her running in the snow from last week...

Sometimes she steps on me and sometimes she knocks me down, but all in all, she's okay, I guess.  She likes to lie down next to me, which I could do without.  Well, maybe it's not THAT bad.  She keeps me on my toes and she can be rather entertaining, I suppose.  Who would have thought that I would have to train another sister dog at my age? 

She likes to chase the cats which is good since I can't keep up with that task as well as I used to.  As you can tell, I'm getting used to having her around and looking on the bright side (more treats, more trips to the barn).  She also occasionally thinks about stealing my dog food, so I've been hustling right into the kitchen for meals. 

I have to admit that she's probably added a little pep to my steps over the last couple of weeks.  We went and picked her up on March 7th, the first night she didn't eat much or sleep very well, though since then she's been settling in to our routine.  She's kind of small, only 26 lbs. and she's almost 2 years old (she told us her birthday is April 13th, 2009).  Her full name is Allison Mary Margaret when she's naughty - thankfully that's not very often.  Sometimes she likes to lick my head...

I suppose she'll grow on me...  I've never been the most demonstrative guy, so that's about as snuggly as I get - especially with a youngster... 

You're never too old to make new friends, right?"

That's my Sam, always an optimist...

Why I Should ALWAYS, ALWAYS Listen to Sam

So I was hoping to sleep in this morning after my super busy Sunday.  Things were going well.  I found a comfortable position, temperature was just right, ahhhhhhhhhh......  Bak, bak.  Not BARK, BARK, like "it's an emergency", but bak, bak like "I'm not sleeping and I'm not going back to sleep either."

Jeez Louise, Sam, can't I just sleep in?  How about a drink of water?  I bought myself about five more minutes of shut eye with that one.  Then, bak, bak...  Okay, FINE, Sam.  We'll go outside.  Now keep in mind, Sam really NEVER asks to go out in the morning, unless it's very important.  He is not frivolous with his requests.  I had put him off for a while because he was out pretty late for his last walk the night before and I could tell from his bark that going out was not "essential" if you know what I mean...

So, I get up, put my bathrobe on over my pajamas, carry Sam downstairs with Allie charging around my feet, chasing cats and running like a wild thing.  We get to the sunroom, open the door, on the deck - "Hmmm, it's REALLY warm out here.", help Sam walk across the yard, "Let's go to the woods this morning, Bud."  I settled Sam in the woods near the garage and headed back to the house - as the first drops began to fall.  By the time I reached the deck it was a steady rain, by the time I got into the house to get Allie and put on a coat with a hood it was raining BUCKETS.  Oh crap.  I get Allie and we head outside, she's not loving it.  Sam is completely drenched and looking quite pathetic.  I crouch over him as the thunder and lightning crash above us.  My attempt to keep him dry - HA - was in vain to say the least.  Allie fussed around in the woods, refusing to do her business and finally I called her in.  I couldn't hold her leash and help Sam, so Allie and I ran for the house.  After dropping Allie in the house, I went to collect my sponge, I mean dog.  By the time we all got back into the house, Sam looked like he'd swum a few miles, Allie was soaked and spiky from shaking it off, my coat was wet through and my pajamas and bathrobe were wet, too.

No sleeping in for me today.  If I had only listened to Sam instead of trying to buy a few more minutes of sleep we could have been back in the house when the storm started...  A side note, Sam was very afraid of thunderstorms for much of his life and would almost always warn me of their arrival by lying on my head in bed.  So, I know he knew this storm was coming and he tried to tell his stubborn old Mom, but did I listen??

Why I should ALWAYS, ALWAYS listen to Sam...  I'll try to remember...

Keep Your Mind Active

As humans we've heard the benefits of keeping our minds active as we age.  I also know that it's beneficial to give dogs distracting, mind-occupying toys if they are bothered by separation anxiety.  What I had not realized was that I would be finding mind games to keep my 16 year old dog occupied.  The games all involve food (since Sam loves to eat) and our favorite one is the Can Game.  I take an empty (but not rinsed) cat or dog food can and put pieces of carrot, broken up treats, and sometimes bits of pizza crust (pizza bones, as we call them) into the can.  Then I give the can to Sam and he works diligently to lick the can clean and remove and eat all of the treasures.  He loves the challenge and goes at his work with enthusiasm - using both paws and twisting and turning his head to reach into the can as well as picking the can up with his mouth and dumping morsels out and pulling himself toward the can if it slips out of reach.  I think this is called occupational therapy :)

I'm glad that I have to think up ways to keep my old dog entertained - it works my mind in new ways too...  Sam's message might be, "Use it or lose it!"  He is mentally sharp as a tack and I think that his improved mobility (for as long as it lasts) is a gift to him in that he can again, plan and execute tasks.  His frustration at being able to conceive of things (including bodily needs and functions) and not being able to implement them was tough to watch.  I'm reminded to be grateful that I can lift what I need to lift, walk where I need to walk, climb what I need to climb, and that there is help if I can't.  Sam's lesson to me today...

Sam Runs Away...

So Sam has begun to run away.  I never realized how handy it was to have a dog with limited mobility - you put them somewhere and when you come back, there they are.  Now that our old man is moving around more again - he has started to run away.  At least three or four times in the last week I could not find him.  It was only for a few minutes of course, because he's not that quick :), but still, I didn't know where he was. 

One time was just yesterday, he was in the yard and then I looked and he was gone, "Oh bugger!", I thought, then I saw him in the driveway.  I went out and helped him move back into the grass (a safer place to be).  I went back inside and when I looked again a while later - gone.  "Crap!", I thought, "Now where did he go?"  He was not in the yard, not in the driveway, not by the car - he was on the trail into our woods.  I checked on him and then over the course of the next 1/2 hour or so he made his way back into the driveway into the shade of my car (lying down a few times along the way).  The picture below is of Sam yesterday at the barn on one of his rambles...

At the barn one day last week, I had placed him in a nice snowbank to rest. "HA!!", he said, "I'll go where I want to go!"  I looked and he was not only up and walking, but already 20 feet from where I had left him.  When I came back from giving the horses hay in the pasture and sitting on the fence for a bit - he was not in sight.  Gone.  Again, "Crap!", I thought....  Not by the car, not in the shade of the barn, not in the grass - he was next to the manure dumpster...having a snack...manure.  I dashed over, scolding him, and as I lifted him to standing he was reaching out to grab a few last bites.  Bad dog!!  I was laughing the whole time.  Back when Sam was still running, I would catch him having a manure snack and yell at him to quit it and he would grab a last bite as he was running off!  Same idea, just without the running...

It's a good day when your 16 year old dog runs away...a good day indeed.

"I Don't Like Big Dogs!!"

It was the summer of 1998 and Sam and I were at the Metroparks Polo Field (we spent a lot of time there that summer).  We exited the car and started walking into the big field.  Sam was, of course, illegally off leash (see previous posts for the disclaimer).  I saw a person running toward us and the girl yelled, "I don't like big dogs!!" at the top of her voice.  Okay, I thought, we should probably go in a different direction.  We turned to move toward a different part of the park, when the girl's parents approached and said, "Oh no, don't go, it's okay."  Hmmmm.... okay, so we stayed and started chatting with her parents. 

I could tell that the girl was young (maybe 10-12 years old) and very likely had Down's syndrome.  She was also with another girl who seemed slightly older, much quieter, and also was probably developmentally delayed.  Let's call the first girl, Mary.  As I began talking to Mary's parents, she occasionally came over and yelled (in a friendly informative way), "I don't like big dogs!!".  Sam and I were not bothered by this and Sam was, as usual, a perfect gentleman and often was off doing his own doggie things, any way. 

At one point I said to Mary's parents, "If Mary doesn't like big dogs, Sam is actually a really good dog for her to meet.  He's very gentle and kind and patient."  Mary's parents liked that idea so they called Mary and her friend over and spoke to them about meeting Sam.  Mary was adamant that she didn't like big dogs and still agreed to hang around for awhile.  I asked Sam to lie down (sometimes when dogs are "smaller" they seem more approachable) and then we all sat down in the grass. 

Sam at some point began wandering around our little circle visiting people.  I'll insert a little known fact about Sam - he is not the greeting type.  Sam is a one woman dog and I had to teach him to "Go say hi" so that he would go to other people and at least appear to be interested in meeting them (he has lightened up as he's gotten older).  So Sam was circulating and when he came to Mary she tentatively petted him a little (having seen other people do so safely :) and then before we knew it Sam was sitting in her lap!  In her lap!  At which point Mary yelled, "Sam, don't poop on me!!"  We all cracked up laughing (including Mary) and Sam didn't even flinch, just kept sitting in her lap being petted.  This whole event was probably a 1/2 hour or so and eventually we all stood up and started saying our goodbyes and thank-yous and nice to meet yous.  As Sam and I were headed off on our way to take a walk through the woods I saw Mary running toward the parking lot where a couple had just gotten out of their car with their big dog.  Mary ran toward them yelling, "I like big dogs!!"

Just another miracle ala Sam... 

The Most Amazing Dog in the World

So, yesterday, Sam and I spent almost 15 hours on the road.  That's enough to tire out your average young adult dog, let alone a not-so-young adult dog! Here's the scoop:

7:30am - Get up, take care of business, eat breakfast
7:45am - Get in the car and drive to the airport to drop off Mike
8:30-9am - Arrive at Canine University and get settled in
9-12:30pm - Teach dog agility with Mom by barking my comments (she needs my help, trust me!)
1-4pm - Inspect my barn where Emmy lives.  Check on the dogs that I allow to live and visit there.  Meet new dogs and explain the rules to them.  Do a little mentoring for some people and other animals.  Lay in the snow.  Bark.  Have some snacks (horse manure) and then retire for a nap in the car.  Oh yeah, and walk around a whole bunch and hide from Mom.
4-5pm Drive to Akron to teach more dogs. 
5:15-9pm - Teaching in Akron.  I decided to let Mom teach these classes on her own since she did a pretty decent job in the morning.  I napped and meditated in the car and worked on some philosophical theories that I'm developing...
9-10pm - Drive home.
10-10:30pm - Take care of business, eat dinner in the kitchen (walked in by myself), and walked to the stairs by myself when Mom said, "Okay, let's go to bed."  Her foot hurt and I didn't want her to have to carry me that whole way.  She was very surprised to hear my footsteps on the floor behind her.  Hey, she had a busy day, too, it was the least I could do.  Sometimes my foot hurts, too...
10:30-11pm - Suffer through snuggling and hugging and kissing and, "You're such a great dog!", and all that crap.  Sheesh, can't a guy get some sleep around here?  I don't want to sleep on the human bed, just put me on my mat, CRIMINI, it's been 16 years, you know I want to sleep on the floor...
11pm - On my mat at last.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Even The Most Amazing Dog in the World (and superheros) need to sleep sometime!

Hiding in Plain Sight

It was the summer of 1998 and Sam and I were at the Polo Field Metroparks.  I know it was that summer because that was the only summer that Sam and I were alone.  Sara passed away in November 1997 and Abby joined our family in May 1999.

So Sam and I were in the big field at the Polo Field and it was a gorgeous summer day.  Sam was off leash (again, this is not legal, don't do it :) and I decided to lay down in the grass and enjoy the sun.  Sam was smelling and frolicking and, for once, there was no one else around.  I decided to call Sam to where I was, so I whistled.  Sam looked up, then resumed sniffing.  I whistled again and Sam started looking around.  I called his name and he started looking around more and then began to trot around.  I realized when I focused on his face that he was looking for me at my normal standing height - since I was laying in the grass he couldn't see me.  He was looking for a vertical me, not a horizontal grass-height me.  This was fascinating so I continued to call and whistle and watch him trying to find me.  I felt a little bad (though I wasn't actually hiding), so after a few minutes I sat up.  He caught sight of the movement, saw me, and ran over.

One of my favorite moments with Sam followed.  We both laid down in the grass and we were facing each other with our chins on our paws.  We really looked at each other and I told him what a good dog he was.  Such a simple thing.  Looking into each others' eyes, laying in the grass.  It was a great day.

So, I'm thinking, what in my life might be "hiding in plain sight"?  What might I not be seeing because I'm expecting it to look a certain way?  Hmmmm....  What might happen if I change my point-of-view or abandon my preconceptions?  Maybe what I'm looking for is right in front of me...calling to me...

Oh Happy Day!

Yesterday when I came home, I went upstairs to where Sam was spending his time and as I came around the corner and saw his face, he saw me too and HE WAGGED HIS TAIL!!  I couldn't stop watching it and smiling and telling Sam how happy that tail wagging was making me...  For a week or so, I have so been hoping that he might wag his tail when he saw me - and then he did!

This has not happened in over a month, maybe two months.  Sam's tail wags sometimes (like when he sees dogs at the barn) and also when he barks at the cats sometimes and, of course, sometimes when he's eating.  However, he had not wagged in recognition since early January, I think.  It's not that Sam doesn't know us or still love seeing us, we're pretty sure that he is still recovering sensation in his hind end due to a relatively long term subluxation in his neck. 

We do "tail therapy" as I call it several times a day (I gently lift Sam's tail and hold a little tension on it as I move my hand from the root to the tip of his tail).  During "tail therapy" Sam's tail usually begins to wag and continues for a while.  The time that his tail stays wagging has been increasing and if you visualize a dog wagging their tail (or watch your dog), you can see many small muscles in their very low back activating and also they often need to compensate their balance slightly as the tail moves from side to side.  So as Sam's tail wags, he's doing a "workout" of those muscles, nerves, tendons, ligaments, and blood vessels that might have been asleep for some time.

Here's to wagging tails! 

The Ugly Fruit

In November 1997, my dog Sara passed away at the age of about 5 years old from kidney failure.  The illness was sudden and her passing was devastating.  She had been my soulmate for the entire challenging three years that we had been together.  I called her my Borderline Collie or my Underfoot Shepard when someone asked her breed.  Sara was a challenge and a delight and Sam lived happily in her very large shadow and was perfectly behaved. 

That morning after Sara died he was standing by my bed looking me in the eye (the bed was low :) and wagging his tail and smiling. Sampson was not quite three years old then and he taught me his first of many important lessons - "You've got to get up.  You've got to go on.  You have to let me out and feed me."   In his inimitably cheerful way he was forcing me to move on.  He had loved Sara very much and then had let her go.

That day we went to the Polo Field where we used to go with Sara and the dogs would run and frolic off-leash (which is not legal, so don't do it :).  That day Sampson picked up an ugly fruit (an Osage orange) about the size of a softball and brought it to me and then I threw it and he brought it back and he did this over and over and over again.  It was the first and last time that Sam has ever played fetch.  I don't know why he did it, but I suppose in his own young dog way, that was a sign or a gift or a lesson or something for me.  I do know that I have never forgotten it.  Every fall when I see those ugly fruits littering the road, I remember our one game of fetch in 16 years and how he took care of me for a while - even though it might have looked like I was taking care of him...

Undeterred - Volume 2

So when I came home from the barn today, Sam was in the living room on the hardwood floor near the bottom of the stairs.  Undeterred.  Who knows how long it took him to get all the way across those 12-15 feet of hardwood floor?  Who knows how many falls and get-back-ups?  And what was he planning to do about the stairs?

Fast forward a few hours and I carried Sampson upstairs and put him on the bed.  He sometimes likes to be on the bed for a while, sometimes not.  I went and took a shower and I heard him bark a few times.  When I came back into the bedroom - he was on his blanket on the floor.  Undeterred.  Who knows what made it critically important that he get off the bed NOW and onto his favorite sleeping place?  Who knows how he had the courage to jump/climb/fall from the bed to the floor knowing that his hind legs aren't always reliable?

Undeterred...  Go as far as you can, don't worry about the future, be motivated, be persistent, be undeterred.

Undeterred

As I sit here and write this, Sam has just gotten himself up to standing from lying down and is walking unassisted across the blankets we have laid out for him.  Every couple of steps he looks back at me.  Every couple of steps his tail wags a few times.  This may not sound amazing to many of us, though I just realized that Sam has fallen at least three to four times already this morning.  He remains undeterred.  Sam does not think, "Hmm, I'm 16 years old, I'll just give up." or "Hey, upstairs isn't all it's cracked up to be, I'll just stay here." or "What's wrong with me?  Why can't I walk?" or "What will people think of me if I fall down?".  He wants to go somewhere, so he gets up and goes as far as he can.  Sometimes he falls down, sometimes he lies down intentionally and still he remains...  undeterred. 

Now he has fallen (really a not-too-gentle lying down) and is barking at me to help him get up on the hardwood floor - UNDETERRED...  If I don't get over there quickly enough, he starts trying by himself - UNDETERRED. 

There is so much I still need to learn from Sam...  Gotta go, he's barking :)...

Leapdog

Today, Sam and I played Leapdog all the way across the living room.  Leapdog is a simple game.  All the equipment you need is a hardwood or tile floor, at least two blankets or mats, one or more people, and a dog.  The game begins with the dog standing on one of the blankets or mats.  The person (or people) then take the other mat-like object and place it in front of the dog and stand on it so it doesn't slide on the hardwood floor.  The person stands with their back to the dog with legs spread apart and the dog then proceeds to walk onto the new mat-like object between the knees of the person.  Once the dog is fully on the new mat-like object, the person repeats the process.  It is possible to go great distances using this method, though if you are in a hurry, there might be other ways to try :)  When you reach your destination, the person and the dog win the game.  It's fun, really!

Go ahead, play some Leapdog!

Sam's Saying of the Day

"The difficult I can do today. The impossible will take a little longer."  (Billie Holiday)

Six weeks ago, difficult was sleeping for more than a 1/2 hour and impossible was standing up to eat.  Then we began to sleep many hours without needing a "check-in" and could stand up for meals with a little help. 

Three weeks ago, difficult was standing up from lying down and impossible was walking unassisted.  Sam is now often doing both many times a day.

Now, difficult is walking on hardwood floors and impossible is climbing the stairs.  Who knows what's next?

For me, difficult is helping without interfering and impossible is staying present to the miracle that is Sam while knowing that "to everything there is a season"...  I'm working on it...

Never Too Old...

...to try new things.  Sampson has always been a "good eater".  He loves vegetables and ethnic foods.  Among his favorites are lettuce (he begs for it), carrots, tomatoes, Indian cuisine, green beans, Mexican, hummus, and many others.  Today Sam tried tapioca pudding - and he liked it a lot...  Sam's lesson for the day - you're never too old to try something new...  You just might like it.

The Puppy Named Sampson

While I was unemployed and volunteering at the Bath Animal Shelter, I was asked if I would attend a "Pet Day" at a local nursery school.  The idea was for the shelter to bring in a puppy to show the class and to go over basic animal care and kindness to animals.  I said, "Sure.  If I can choose the animals."  The shelter agreed and I said that I wanted to take in the puppy named Sampson.  So, we set about determining if Sampson could reliably visit with young children.  When an older child came into the shelter we introduced Sampson - no problem.  The next opportunity with a younger child came and again - no problem.  Great, Sam was cleared to attend Pet Day. 

I took Sam home with me the day before and he ran around in the yard with my dog Sara.  Sara was often dog aggressive, but instantly took to this puppy.  They chased and played and came back to me in the partially fenced yard of the duplex apartment that I lived in with my roommate.  Then I took them inside and gave Sampson his first bath - he hated it.  He has continued to hate baths for his entire life.  He submits to them with much quiet resistance and some civil disobedience (he's a peaceful protestor).  The next morning we went to the nursery school.  Sampson proceeded to wade around in the sea of 4 and 5 year olds laughing and loving it.  They were feeding him biscuits and bringing him water and petting him incessantly - and he LOVED it.  I thought, "Hmmm....  This is a pretty special puppy..." 

When I returned Sampson to the shelter that afternoon I learned that I wasn't the only person who had decided Sampson was special.  The nursery school teacher had sent her husband to the shelter to adopt Sam.  The director (a saint named Vicki Mosgrove) spoke with him while he was there (we were not even back yet).  She told him, "Actually, I think one of our volunteers is very likely to adopt Sampson."  The man said, "Okay" and turned to leave.  Vicki said, "Sir, we have lots of other puppies that you could look at.", and he replied, "Thank you, but I was just supposed to get the puppy named Sampson." and he left. 

When I heard this story I was very confused.  I had never mentioned any intention of adopting Sampson, nor had I really considered it.  Also, the director had broken her own rule - animals are up for adoption until the papers are signed.  She had never, ever turned away a potential adopter because a volunteer was "attached" to an animal.  As volunteers, it's difficult not to want to adopt all the animals, so she knew that sometimes people said things that they wanted but wouldn't or couldn't follow through with. 

So, now there I was.  A good potential home was available for Sampson.  What do I do?  I thought that I should let him go to the nursery school teacher since he was so wonderful with children.  I could adopt another puppy or dog that wasn't headed for a good home.  What to do?  I was quite torn and felt guilty considering adopting Sampson.  I ended up reaching my decision a few days later based on facts, not feelings.  Sam was already nearly housebroken in the shelter - going to great lengths to not "do his business" in his cage (sometimes he would go on the floor as soon as I took him out of his cage because to him that was "outside" of his quarters).  Sam was very quiet and rarely barked and I lived in an apartment and likely would for a while.  My dog Sara had issues with many dogs - but not this one.  Also, Sam's only flaw so far was that he got car sick - not too bad.  So, Sampson adopted me in late March 1995 and we have never second guessed ourselves since.  I'll never know why all of those things happened the way they did - wait, I do know.  Sampson and I were meant to spend more time together than that one day and night - and we certainly have.  We certainly have...