My Light

We decided to take Sam from the vet's office where he had spent the day on Thursday to the Emergency Hospital for the night where he would be monitored by their 24 hour staff.  He had not declined, though he had not really improved either.  The vet there was wonderful, reminding me a lot of Dr. Clemens, and was straight forward about Sam's condition and prognosis.  We (Mike, Sam, and I) decided to give him a chance to see if he wanted to come back.  I asked Sam repeatedly if he wanted to let go and his answer was always, "No".  Mike had the same feeling.  Even in the car on the drive to the Hospital after my parents went inside, I told Sam that if he wanted to let go right now, he could.  I said, "It's just you and me, Bud, just like it's always been.  It's okay if you want to let go."  He said, "No, not yet."  The staff at the Hospital were wonderful and caring and the doctor agreed with our plan to see if he could recover with supportive care and rest.  This episode was shockingly similar to the event in 2008 (a high fever of unknown origin), so we figured that if he was going to come back again we'd know pretty soon.  We agreed that we didn't want to do any more testing or heroic-type measures.  They made Sam very comfortable on blankets in a kennel near the door so that everyone could see him and keep an eye on his condition.  We went in to say goodbye to Sam and they assured us that they would call if he declined so that we could come and see him.  I left relatively calm and knowing that we were doing the right thing and what Sam wanted.

Then we went to a Kenny Rogers Christmas and Hits concert that I had gotten tickets for earlier in the week (as a present to my parents).  Interesting timing, huh?  I started checking my phone slightly obsessively around 8pm and kept checking it periodically during the concert.  No calls.  At about 9:30pm, I began to feel anxious and felt a tightening in my chest.  I wanted to leave NOW.  A few more songs, blah, blah, come on Kenny, hurry it up, I NEED TO LEAVE!  At what appeared to be the last song, we began to walk out to avoid the crowds, oops, one more song, we sat down in the aisle on the steps.  Hurry up, Kenny!  Finally we walked out, successfully avoiding the throngs and headed for the car.  When we got into the car, I checked my phone.  Two voice messages.  Missed calls from the Hospital at 9:58 and 10:06pm.  It was 10:09pm.  I called and it took about 10 years for Doctor Baum to come to the phone.  He very kindly explained to me that about 20 minutes earlier Sam had either a stroke or an aneurysm and stopped breathing.  They attempted to resuscitate him and during that attempt, his heart just gradually stopped beating. 

This was what Sam wanted.  He did not want me to be there when he passed and he did not want me to have to make a "decision".  He did it his way, like he always did.  He probably orchestrated the buying of those concert tickets, too.  If we hadn't been at a concert, we might not have left him or we might have been back sooner.  He somehow convinced Kenny Rogers to collaborate with him - without that final song and the applause I would have noticed my phone vibrating and we would have been rushing back to the Hospital sooner.

We visited his physical form, though he was obviously gone.  I had seen him running like a puppy next to our car on our way to the Hospital.  He is just fine, now.  I'm the one who needed to see "him" one last time. 

So now there is a big black furry hole in my life.  I miss him and I know that it was the right time for him and the right way for him to leave us.  Allie, L.C., Jinx, Jasper, and Archie are doing their best to fill in - snuggling, making me smile, and generally acting normal.  Sam must have left them instructions.  I can hear him now, "She's going to be a mess, trust me.  I've been through this with her twice before, I should know.  So here's what you need to do, team...."

Still teaching, still Sam...